I Speak

Afro-baby

2011-11-28T02:41:00.000-08:00

I looked in her eyes and I got lost

Two roads

Left or right

Being pulled into her afro-beat

Oh afro-baby

The way you move makes me

Want to beat your drums

Beat my drums

Heartbeating faster and faster

Touch me with your

Subtle look,

Your subtle whip of the hair

And the daze sweeps over me

As if your afro-soul

Was stroking my inner thigh

Oh Afro-baby

The way you move makes me

Want to beat your drums

Beat my drums

I look at you like you want to be loved

You look right pass me

Walk right into me

Scared to notice me

Asking me to not notice you,

As if your afro-hair

Is hard to ignore

Oh Afro-baby

The way you move makes me

Want to be beat your drums

Beat my drums.

Let me move with you

Hold your waist and feel you rotate

Pull you closer

And feel you gyrate

Can you feel my hands?

Made from authentic black skin

A real woman

Oh Afro-baby

Let me be your soul

The beat you dance to

The movement that you want

The only passion that you know

Oh Afro-baby

Let me blow your mind,

Dance to my afro-beat

As I run my fingers through your afro-hair

Teaching you about my afrocentricity

Arch your back

And let me feel your afro-soul.

#24 LSE Academic Calls Black Women Ugly

2011-11-04T06:36:00.000-07:00

#24 LSE Academic Calls Black Women Ugly

I named her

2011-10-14T01:44:00.000-07:00

I named her soul
She understands my rhythm
The spaces inbetween the breath I take
Her words reach deep into me
She can never understand what she means to me
I close my eyes and I taste her brown sugar
Sweet like caramel, I get high off her

I named her Jazz
Cause her bass makes my pulse race
Slowly she would move
Going round and round
Making me dizzy with intoxication
Of my pure desire
To hold her close and
Take off her clothes
Letting her Blues run all over me

I named her hip hop
Cause she stands for a struggle
Battling her way through enemy lines
Standing for what she believes in
Getting lost in the fog
Chasing that fading light
Screaming out I ain't dead
Pounding her fist hard on her chest
Just to prove a point
Then raising it up in the air
Just so you know she was here

I named her music
25 years and we're still together
Our thighs still intertwined
Her touch everyday feels brand new
My thoughts she can always read
My rhythm she never loses
Keeping up with my pace
Making my heart race
Giving me goose pimples
Each time we touch
Knowing the right places
Just to make me feel love
She is mine and
I am hers

Floating

2011-09-25T23:41:00.000-07:00

This feels like I've fallen in love
Or falling in love
I've been lifted
Floating in mid-air
Hoping to never come down
Begging to come down
I'm feeling everything from love
To lust, lust to anger, love

Silently begging you to hold me
Openly forgetting my words
Remembering their useless worth
Your heart cannot be mine
It still belongs to another
An undeserving other
Pink lips
I've cried for you a million times
Craved your hand on my heart
Your soul to understand mine
Your hands to know me

I've fallen for your spirit
Laced hands
Fingers intertwined
Conversation for hours
My mind in yours
Maybe this is all we are
Maybe

I Could Love Her

2011-09-15T03:37:00.000-07:00

I remember when I first met her
I couldn't stop looking at her
Trying to flirt with my eyes
My mind, my body
She didn't seem interested
So I let it slide
Conversation got deeper
Love, what's that? She wasn't a believer
Shook hands said goodbye
It was lovely to meet ya
Couple months later
Saw her again in the park
Talking about my afrocentricity
Well just in case people didn't notice I was dark
My brown skin is amazing
I'm trying hard to impress her
But she doesn't even notice me
Girlfriends of the past haunt her
Love is not meant for her
A tear rolled down my eye when she said this
The saddest story I have ever heard
Now I stand here
My next purpose to prove that she deserves this
Let her inhibitions go
See what I see
And then you will know
Maybe if you let me, I could love you
See what I see
Beauty beyond words
A mind I'm willing to explore
Reaching the deepest pores of your soul
Your body I absolutely adore
Open up your heart let me show you what you're missing
I promise my touch will make you explode
My conversation will blow your mind
I'll be the best you never had
The best you'll ever have
I can't promise we'll be perfect
Cause in this life nothing's picture perfect
But I promise it'll be worth it
So let me hold your had and guide you through it.

Blackmagic

2011-07-20T02:30:00.000-07:00

I'm all about promoting Nigerian music these days, well trying to share what I think is beautiful music with rhythm, from everything old and new.

Blackmagic is the first for me today, I first heard about him through www.bellanaija.com. I did a little bit of research on him, and I found a sound that wasn't harsh, but soft smooth jazz hinted with a bit of Afronicity. It's something that is different from the auto tunes, the Wizkids and Yung6ixs that we're getting these days.

Below is his video, watch it, enjoy it and explore him.

Death is Terrible

2011-07-08T03:26:00.000-07:00

Death is terrible: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_Gev0yH3HA

That song brings into me a whale of emotions when I listen to it, thanks to my dear friend Joseph who introduced me to it. It's a beautifully dark song.

In the early hours yesterday, one of my closest friends lost his best friend in a tragic car crash in which my friend was involved. He's in a different country so all his friends are here but he now has family with him. We are grateful that he is alive, but his bestfriend died. I always say the Lord takes and he gives and only he knows why, but for everything that happens there is a reason and we will eventually find out.

My heart goes out to him, he is such a beautiful person and for this to happen to him, it breaks my heart and I cry to him.

When these things happen, it makes us think, we begin to remember those we have lost, in my case my father and a flood of emotions come rushing back in. I begin to remember that I should not and never forget things that I have and to appreciate those around me in everywhere possible way. It reminds us to appreciate life, not to take everything for granted and to most of all live life and don't forget to live it. We get caught up in the little things that it's not until something so tragic reminds us of what we are missing in our hearts.

I try to live life, I try to be the best that I can be when I can, I want to leave a legacy when I'm gone...because I want people to remember me and never forget my name.

Lesbains who can't deal with "non-labels"

2011-07-06T23:36:00.000-07:00

So again I was on Afterellen reading this: http://www.afterellen.com/column/the-hook-up-26?page=0,1

You can refer to it if you wish, but to sum it up, a teenager was asking for advice on what label she should give herself as she saw herself at times as being "asexual" as she fell for the person, she likes who she likes, boy or girl. The columnist aptly responded with a story in which someone referred to herself as "sex-positive". The comments that ensued in the comments section involved people who couldn't accept that people could live without labels or just be "sexually fluid" through citing studies that A or B did without drawing upon their personal experience and looking outside the box.

But this is something that I've noticed most lesbians seem to be against, once you are not labeled as a lesbian, you are seen as an outcast of some sort, people are so hung up on "being" gay at times that they forget that other people have other feelings. With regards to this blog, the teenager was looking for label for herself, she wasn't looking for other people to refer to the advice given to her as "wrong" because they do not agree with the advice and want to hammer home that we "must" all be lesbians.

I was involved with an argument in which I was quote various studies based on various women, but studies do not represent the individual, they represent individuals who took part, but these studies do not take into account environment and social upbringing worldwide, they are in effect a light guide to understanding. If we cannot draw from our own personal experience and say this is what I know then what is the point of experiencing life? I identify predominantly as a lesbian for the sake of others who need to label, but I always say right now I'm a lesbian, tomorrow I don't know, I may fall for a man, who knows, in that respect does that make be "asexual", "pansexual" or "polysexual", or maybe just someone with feelings that is "sex-positive" and falls for who I fall for?

So do we need labels to confuse us some more? Why can't we just love who we love and leave it at that?

Retract: Straight, Experimental Girls.

2011-06-20T23:03:00.000-07:00

So I was thinking last night about what I wrote yesterday. Experimenting, straight girls, I wasn't bothered, relationship blah blah blah....and last night I slowly found myself falling into that same trap of saying "Wait I do want a relationship" - "I want love" - I had to stop myself and pull myself out of this horrendous mindset! I'm young! I'm 25! I'm not ready for any of this realistically, yeah it would be amazing if I could find the love of my life tomorrow and settle down, but I have way too many things that I want to do now for me! I want to live! Live until I am not allowed to live anymore, live until I have to change diapers and in the great scheme of things, that will be in three years. So I have three years to live, three years to find my great love because when I'm 28 I want babies!

Yes I want to be a mother with a career, shit loads of money in the bank, and the ability to tell anyone who looks at me less than I am to piss off! And of course, also enough money to actually afford to be able to have three kids - that's my goal. I do want a partner, so I guess this would be the best time to say I want to settle down and find someone who wants the same things as me and we can build on getting it together...that would be the most reasonable thing to do right?

But here's my dilemma - I'm at that age where people don't expect you to want to settle down, so the older people who do want to settle down don't believe you when you say "I want the same things you want". I'm also at that age where the younger girls don't want what I want and they want fun, some want to settle down but don't want to feel too pressured on anything else, they basically just want things to be - go with the flow, there is nothing wrong with that, but I think eventually I will want more.

So now given this new light shining down on me - do I still let next week go ahead knowing deep down inside that it will be nothing? Knowing that after that one night I may speak to her sporadically here and there? There is no possibility of anything more happening, but just take that in stride, have a little fun and along the way I'll find Princess Charming. Or do I say no and wait, put myself out there and make time for that love life of mine that has been sitting on the shelf just gathering endless amount of dust? I mean it could do with a decent clean.

Mine

2011-06-20T00:45:00.000-07:00

Oblivious to emotion
I steadily watch my pacing steps
Counting my movements
My incomprehensive movement
Erratic, unassured, far from invincible
Holding out my hands
Pulling myself back

Do you see what I see?
Can I see what you see?
Open my circle
Hands still waiting
My constant thought
Evolving to motion
Stalling as it attempts to start

Handless images
Refusing my truth
As I stamp out the undenying forgiveness
The world's watching eyes
As I glance constantly to my right
Glance above to catch a glimpse of eyes
Lips, full body, broad shoulders
Relinquishing my inhibitations.
Resulting in an infutile ending
To a beginning that hasn't yet started

Straight Girls and Experimenting

2011-06-20T00:04:00.001-07:00

I understand that us women are more fluid when it comes to exploring our sexuality. (notice how I stemmed away from using the word "sexually fluid" - I was told off by a fellow user on AfterEllen for my vague use of the word...) But yes, women like to explore, we're comfortable in having drunken kisses with other women and brush it off as that, we are also comfortable in having one night stands with girls and brush it off as that. And that is the problem for the majority of gay girls who just want to find love, grab a U-haul and drive off into the distance of love!

Well my story is only all too similar, except I am not expecting the love nor the U-haul. All I'm expecting is the experiment. I've always known that this was what it was, but in the beginning like every other girl, I was hopeful that I could possible turn her, but it wasn't meant to be. We had the flirting, we had the kisses, and when I insinuated anything like a relationship I got shut down like a demolished building. That was about 6 months ago, and now we're talking again, back to almost square one, but everything up front on the table. I've learnt that that is the best way to go about anything in life, saves so much time.

So now where do I stand with her - she wants to experiment, always has, wants to know what it's like, the thought has crossed her mind, she doesn't know what to do and I have said yes, I'll do it. We all don't want to be the experiment, we want them to fall for us and that's that and we live together in pure bliss, but what if it begins as an experiment and turns to more. Who knows - for me personally, I really don't mind, considering right now I'm not looking for a relationship, I really haven't got time for one. I'm trying to create a career for myself, whilst working on the side to make more money. It's all very tiring and the thought of having someone who also needs my attention aside my friends (who I rarely get to see as often) is really off putting.

So I guess next week, I will be somoneone's experiment and they will be my one night stand.

What have I lost?

Crushing on Work Girl (s)

2011-06-17T02:16:00.000-07:00

So I have this crush...goes without saying, just look at the title. So this crush isn't exactly reciprocated, I never thought it was, don't ever think it may be.

I met her at work, she started working in my office and I kinda started crushing from when she first came, because well she's my type. Never said a word to her. Her team leader, a friend of mine, knew I had a crush on her, so I sent her to do some investigative work, the usual, does she have a girlfriend - which we found through Facebook that she does, oh the wonders of technology! Anywhoo, I sorta left it, but found reasons to go to her area so see my friend, sometimes we would exchange pleasantries. Then randonly one day I figured I might as well email her; but I first started by sending out emails from my friends account as a joke, which then resulted in me having her email address (I included by myself in the email, btw these are work emails) and then we started talking.

It was just normal stuff, hey how are are? Then me being ever so nosey I inquired a bit about the whole girlfriend thing, turns out they had broken up (I was kinda happy, not that I would do anything about it) but the reasons they broke up weren't so nice, the gf cheated, sucks, I've been there.

So fast forward a few weeks, I'm blaming badminton with a few friends, one's a Jew, ones Somalian - we're very ethnically diverse! I invite her and she's all up for it, comes and joins us to play, we sort of make it a regular thing for a while.

But we don't really talk much outside of work or activities I've organised, and I have no idea how to get someone you're interested in to talk more to you, I mean we do get on, but that's about it really.

She does very much enjoy hanging out with me and my friends, I've never met her friends or anything. Recently she suggested we do a Gay Come Dine With Me, brilliant idea I think but I didn't tell her that - and the first place on the list is my house, her idea, my house - go figure. Anyway, it's a small crowd, again mainly my friends will be there, but she gets on well with them and they all seem to like her, so I'm not complaining...

It's all just...well, I don't know. I wish there was more but there isn't, and considering her past relationship ended about six months ago (they were together for 2 years I think), I don't she's ready for anything new.

p.s. there is another girl at work, she's just pure eye candy hence the "(s)" in the title!

AfterEllen Blogs and general Bloggage

2011-06-16T06:04:00.000-07:00

We live in a world of ever growing social media, where you can post a status update about your life and have up to thousands or millions knowing about you. I'm writing this blog, knowing that potentially millions will read it (hoping).

I've been trailing the AfterEllen blogs, I would love to say as research, but it's as part probably one in a million people out there who are looking to find stories or experiences that they can relate or ones that give them hope that things will be alright or that eventually they will find "the One". Whether or not these posts are fictional or not, who knows, what does matter is that these post allow people to either live their lives vicariously through others, making them feel that they are not only part of something, but like they belong to something. They offer advice, want constant updates, become virtual friends in a world which seems anything is virtually possible.

What is my point you ask? When did we become this nation, and by using the word nation, I use it in a global sense. We are a nation of people that now HAVE to follow people on Twitter, we HAVE to update Facebook status and stalk people's Facebooks when we are inept to speak to them in real life. We HAVE become a nation of people that no longer value human communication in the flesh. First there was texting, rather than speaking, now we can tweet each other, write Facebook messages, follow blogs and know everything about a person without actually knowing them. I was speaking to a dear friend last night and he said he Facebooked a guy about a date, and I said to him, you have his number why didn't you just text him or call him rather than waiting for a reply on Facebook and constantly stalking his wall to see if he's had an recent activity?

I've always been a big believer in honesty and when you have feelings you can either deal with it or not. But most of all, I'm a big believer in assuming nothing and questioning everything and face to face contact. I like to read a person's face when I tell them something, I like to see what emotions they go through. Facebook statuses or Twitter feeds can never be taken subjectively, they must be objective. In order for you to really understand the true meaning behind what they say, you must understand that person or better yet know what that person is going through at that point in time.

Ok so I've strayed off topic a little bit.

Back to point - we need to learn how to live in the real world, rather than through digital means, I feel like most have said, we are losing touch with reality and eventually end up hoping we had other lives of the "others" we read or follow rather than appreciating our own.

emotional...

2011-06-08T10:52:00.000-07:00

Today it occurred to me that I really don't know what I want - or maybe I just really have no preference in life and live life according to my emotions and my feelings. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing - moving from day to day on emotion. That just makes me extremely volatile doesn't it? At the same time, I can be the most rational person when I don't need to be, sometimes forgetting to just experience life and looking at the consequences of my actions - what would happen if I did all these things.

I feel rationality is sometimes needed, feeling is sometimes needed, experience is sometimes needed. Knowing that you've lived life in the most invigorating, bursting, exciting, sexually experiencing way is needed.

I told a close friend not too long ago things that I felt needed to be said, needless to say I didn't say everything. She didn't take it too well, but I feel it had to be said out loud, what sort of friend would I have been if I didn't.

As this is my time of the month, a lot of random emotions have been coming out, from me thinking I liked a particular person to realising I didn't, to then thinking I fell for someone else because they had certain qualities to being realistic that these feelings would never be returned. My current office crush has intensified as again my hormones are everywhere!

In a nutshell I'm an emotional wreck for now up until this period is over - Mother nature can play such a cruel game on us all I think.

Now aside from all of this, I have to deal with doubt - doubt within myself that I am doing the right thing. All my life I've known that I wanted to tell stories, I'm a producer-writer who doubts all my skills because I don't fit into that box needed to be a producer. I'm not aggressive enough, sometimes I feel like I should be out pulling many things in - and I'm not doing enough. The thought that this could be all wrong is what scares me the most - the thought that I could be wrong when all this time I've felt so right is the most frightening thing ever. But it's something that I'll have to deal with and figure out.

From Me to You

2011-05-23T22:56:00.000-07:00

If I said there was something special about you?

Would you believe me?

If I said I wanted to find your mystery?

Would you let me?

The soul bears all

Would you let me feel your soul?

Read your lines and your curves?

Taking in shape and size

Pause and breath

Understanding the meaning of every indent,

Every scar and line.

The mystery of your being.

I am me,

Insecure, secure

Inappropriate, appropriate

Unsure, uncommon

Uneven.

I am me,

Too soft, too hard

Realistic, a dreamer

Happy, sad,

Physical, emotional

A beautiful imperfection

With a graciousness that says thank you

Through you I aspire to be

A better me.

The more help the better.

2011-05-05T01:03:00.000-07:00

The Taste of Love

2011-03-18T13:05:00.000-07:00

At first it left a bitter taste in my mouth
Salty, too salty
At times I felt the harsh sting of chilli
Burning right through my pallet
Causing the sweat to run from my forehead
Itchy head
Sweaty palms
The taste turning to the foul smell of rotting onions
Garlic filled the air
This was not the taste of love

It reappeared
Soft seductive herbs
A hint of thyme
A sprinkle of salt
A pinch of mint
Then the overbearing of rosemary took over
Paprika stinging
Mixed herbs unequated
Sweet sugar evaporating
Disolved into a soluble mix
That was soon to become nothing but
A Lack lustre blend of agony
Could this be the taste of love?

In my head
Sweet light smell of garlic
With a dash of salt
A tinkle of thyme
A piece of parsley
Rosemary under-toned
sweet chilli in the background
Mint on the side
Honey dripping down the mouth
The remembrance of berries
Cream filled pastries
This for me is the taste of love

I am

2011-03-16T02:25:00.001-07:00

I am shy
My thoughts may at times be impure
But my words are as pure
As the hands of a newly born child

I am beautiful
On the inside I am beautiful
My exterior may not be as appealing
But my soul is magical
It posses great strength
Great understanding
Every bone cheek instant perfection,
From the sultry eyes
To the curves of my lips

I am honest
Vowing to protect your dignity
Open hands stretched out
Closets emptied
Bones thrown out
Are these not the things you seek?

I am chemistry
Let me be your catalyst
Your enzyme
I promise there will be a combustion
I’m insoluble
So let’s begin this molecular equation
Is this not what you want?

I am Me
Imperfect
Unashamed
Undeterred
Fearful of life
But ready for the experience

This is me
Waiting to be seen by you

Lesbian Hatred For Men

2011-03-15T02:11:00.000-07:00

I find more and more through reading forums and some blogs, there is this need for lesbians to identify that they hate the idea of a man and a woman. Any film or medium that wishes to explore this issue in relation to a woman maybe finding herself through this avenue or discovering that she is sexually fluid is immediately shunned by the Lesbian community. What I find funny about this is that his how straight people view lesbians as well - any idea of two women being together is immediately shunned, so does that not make everyone as prejudice as the person next to them?

I am a believer in free speech and free love. People fall for the person and not the sexuality contrary to popular belief. If you did fall for the sexuality, then lesbians would not fall for straight girls. If you found a man that had all the qualities that you sought for in a woman and spent time with such a man, it is possible for you to fall for that person, but then there is the fear that your own community, that is lesbians, would see you as a traitor. Why do we have to pick a side and align with it? Why do we need to be labelled so people can understand you better and can fit you within a box and a group of people?

Is it not better to be able to say I am who I am, you are who you are. No labels no tags. Should we not focus on the question of who are you, rather than what are you? What you are is not a true reflection of who you are? Apart from the love of women what else does it mean to be a lesbian? People have added their own meanings to the word because they need to associate it with certain things in order to understand it better, hence the hatred towards men, hatred towards seeing a woman and a man kiss, or a sex scene on film. When what we should really be seeing is the love that people have for one another.

I feel especially sorry for bisexuals as they are seen as the greedy ones, the ones that no one wants because people are insecure about how they feel about them because they can't fit them into a box of straight or gay. Once that insecurity settles in, they will always be suspicious of their lover and constantly watching their everymove.

Black Girl's Song

2011-02-06T02:12:00.000-08:00

A surreal moment
I sat there as the questions came
Love, deceit, love, anger, love

An unrelenting thought
I sat there as the answers hurled
betrayal, hatred, betrayal, loveless

A history thrown
A life just beginning
Memories of the once unknown
Forbidding the never to be told.

And this,
This is what you promised me
Unheard voices, distinct choices
That will only lead to pain and fear
And yet you want me to stand strong
Only to be thrown back down

And I,
A lonely black girl
Only wanted her story to be told
Her hand held as she walked out
Her lips touched so she could feel
Her body held
With my shattered rhythm seeping
Through my afro beat

And here I stand
Without a black girl’s song
My chorus has been stolen
My verses destroyed
This is not what you promised me

I have been cast away
Thrown to the side
Given a choice
When I repent I must come back
I must
I must

I have (Inspired by For Colored Girls)

2010-12-14T02:25:00.000-08:00

I have been inspired

I have been awakened

I have seen the light

My once beady eyes have been widened

Now every move and touch

I am now ready to accept

Ready to realise the wave of my motion

The inconsistency of your breath

The reduction in my affection

Digging up all my lost bones

Lost memories stored away in carefully labelled boxes

Childhood to middle age

Middle age to Adult

Adult to adolescent

I have stripped away my skin

No I am not coloured

I am not nappy

I have stripped away my hair

No I am not bushy

I have made myself bare

Bare so I can see

Bare so I can be seen

I have shattered the glass

Let the bullet hit me if it must

My blood that flows

Will show the world

My greatest sorrow of all

My inability to be me

Without prejudice

Without eyes looking at me

Judging my fluidity

My indiscretion as I move

From Limb to Limb

And Mouth to mouth

I have become enlightened

Letting the sunshine hit my face

I have become strong

Dragging the world by my feeble shoulders

I have become open

Laying down for the world to look at me

Dissecting every part of me

For most of all

I have become me

More powerful and assertive

Only to become the greatest.

Annoyed! Drama!

2010-12-10T03:14:00.000-08:00

I'm a little bit annoyed, a little bit perturbed. Not at life, cause I love my life, not like at the people that bring the drama to my life. I have always tried to live a simple life and at times I bitch about people, but I tend to tell them what I think about them to their faces so if I've said behind their back, I've said it to themselves. I believe in letting people be, you do you, I'll do me. So why is it, that people still feel the need to say things about me just out of spite or because they are confused or because they're just bitter and too immature to deal with their own issues.

If I could I would cut out all such people, but the unfortunate thing about life is that people are connected. They like to be connected, they like to invade not just in your life but in other people's lives, stirring their pot of crime and dishonesty as they go along.

We all have our issues, but like I always say, if you can't deal with it on your own, get help from someone to help you deal with it. No need to ignorantly drag the world down with you because you can't look in a mirror and face who you are and awho you have become.

Then it comes down to, how do you move on, how do you carry on when constantly things return to you that 'he said and she said' and I say - I actually have no time for that.

I have an amazing future ahead of me and this is just the beginning of people who are going to hate and peolpe who are going to complain. This is just the beginning of all the talk about what I may have or haven't said, this is just the beginning and I am more than prepared for the ride, because for every person that doesn't ask you as a friend if something is true or not then that person to me is not a friend.

My New Year will start with positivity. My New Year will start with renewed ambition. My New Year will start with my dreams, and God help the person who tries to get between me and my dreams - because they will need his help to find out what their dream is, unless of course their dream is to stop be from getting to mine.

Obsessed

2010-12-06T05:43:00.000-08:00

An incurable thought
A present emotion
Pinching at the skin
Pulling at the fingers
Tormenting the mind
An equal distraction
Filling the torn spaces in between light and dark

A useless attempt for distance
A helpless determination to forget
An obsession of hearts apart
An obsession of thoughts
This is the moment you realise
The moment you breathe
The moment you exhale
The moment everything matters
That nothing is true

You have lived your life for this
Your mind focused on one
Body focused on another
Heart lost in the middle
Constantly moving as the wind blows
Pulling at branches and trees
Trying to find the hidden roots
Unable to bring it down

An obsession so secure
Only so you can say this is mine
A body so seductive
Only to say that this is mine
A mind so deceitful
So you can say this is mine
But what is yours shall be yours
Until yours becomes another’s

In Love With Myself

2010-11-24T00:09:00.000-08:00

I fell in love with myslf

Black nappy hair

Brown-skinned with a lucky gapped tooth

Full hips for child bearing

Full hips to shake

I fell in love with myself

As I danced to the afro beat in the

early morning

The afro beat I had created

As I sung my song to you

My dance of seduction with my full hips

Ample Thighs

Small feet making light movements

I fell in love with myself

As you picked at my afro hair

Not understanding the beginning or the end

As I looked into the mirror

With my afro comb

That made this afro girl

Squeeze her face in pain again and again

As she combed through her unrelaxed afro hair

I fell in love with myself

Appreciating each curved angle

Full figured parts, unfigured angles

Imperfection at it's best

I fell in love with my wide eyes

Now I can see you better

I fell in love with my full lips

Now I can kiss with passion

I fell in love with soft hands

Now I can feel all of you

I fell in love with myself

Now I can love you forever

My mistakes.

2010-11-14T13:50:00.000-08:00

I had pictured it all
Pictured the rise
Pictured the fall
Pictured the steps
Pictured the runs

A promise already made
Unheard, untouched
But already a life lived
A faint voice of hope
Slowly fading away
An eager mind ready to begin
To be an architect of life
An architect with no boundaries
Creating a world unseen
Creating the mystics and magics of it all

I had seen the future
The past only lingering
I knew each fault
Without knowing each cause
A colourful mind
Painting picture after picture
Creating story after story
So far from reality
So far from the dreams

Only to be reminded
I had seen the past
I had seen the future
But I wasn't looking at the presentMy

My last days?

2010-10-31T03:04:00.000-07:00

If these are the last days I spend with my friends I would love them to know how much they mean to me. If these are the last days I spend in this climate, I would love to ignore the irrelevant and focus on the important. It has occurred to me in the last few days that whilst things hurt and the things that others do get to you, when faced with bigger decisions to make like I have been in this week, none of that matters. When you face the decision of being with the people you love and the people who you can be open with and be yourself with, suddenly all the people that ever said something negative about you, or don't like you, or you've tried to be friends with don't matter.

All that really matters in life is loving the people that love you for who you are, and if along the time someone tries to change you so you can be who they want you to be, I say let them go, it's not worth it. Why change for one person? When that person goes, will you change back or be the same? I spent my earlier years of my life trying to be someone else, I lost myself along the way, and now I'm just finding who I am, and sometimes it's scary. People change as a result of climate or their friends. If you have crazy, delusional friends, after a while you become the same. This is just life I guess.

But my big deciding day is Tuesday, hopefully it all goes well and things work out for the best. And when they do, I would be the most grateful person on this planet earth I think! I can't even put it into words how happy it would make me!

P.H.D (Pretty Hard Days)

2010-10-18T13:43:00.000-07:00

These past few days have been interesting. I still solidly believe in what Medea said - people are like trees, some come like leaves, some like branches and the important ones come in the form of roots. Personally, I've let go of my leaves, they come and go, when they go, new ones will grow. If a big wind or hurricane comes along and blows those leaves off, that's fine, new ones will grow, if a bigger wind comes and blows the branches off that's fine more with grow. It takes a tsunami to take away the roots of any tree. I hold onto my roots because they are important, and once people understand that the roots are the ones that are always there for you, they can try to damage the branches and leaves, of course that will hurt but if they go they go, new ones grow, people are in your life for a reason at certain times.

I've recently being paying the price, well not paying the price, but realising what it means to be a persons friend with consequence. A lot of things have happened, your name gets dragged in the mud, because people are spiteful, because people want to do everything they can do hurt that person, because people can be be so hurtful that they don't care who they hurt in the process as long as they get their own way. I've lost a dear friend along the way, but again, I've realised that person wasn't really a dear friend because of the way things happened, and maybe it took that one person to cause all this havoc for me to realise that. It possibly also took this person for me to realise that I am strong in myself, I can do things myself and I don't need anyone else. I'm picking my friends, I'm sticking to my friends, the ones that matter anyway.

What I've never understood is how can one person have nothing else better to do - anger is anger, but I believe that in life karma gets back to people and so I never seek revenge, I let life sort them out. But I have so much I want to do with my life and I know my destiny is going to be big, I can feel it. I'm a passionate person about what I believe in and in my own talents, and that is the one thing no one can take away from me. Friends come and go, if they are meant to be with me at a point in my life, that's fine, I'll grow old with or without them and move on. When I'm 30, I would have had more things happen to me by then and forgotten who didn't stand by me when I needed them the most.

A word to the wise - chase after your dreams, they do become reality, if people try to hold you back and distract you, cut them out. If people support you and tell you how you can make it because you are the best, keep them regardless, because those are the ones that will always encourage you to reach your dreams.

For You

2010-10-18T13:27:00.000-07:00

This is for the one the watches
The one that hides waiting
Waiting for the right time to strike
This is for the one that wanders
Wanders aimlessly through life
Destroying what others have constructed
The one who is yet to see their future
The one who is yet to accept their past

This is for the blind one
The one that doesn't understand
This is for the one that has hidden their true self
The one that seeks support where it is not wanted

This is for the one that follows
Follows relentlessly seeking clues
Clues that are not to be found
Clues that are a delusion of ones mind
The one that creates their belief
In order to pro-create
The one that doesn't believe in evil
But willing to accept good

This one my dear is for you
May your truth one day find you

For You

2010-10-03T16:25:00.001-07:00

Broken Love Song

2010-09-22T08:08:00.000-07:00

The lies that have been told
The mistakes that have been made
Oh what an enemy to your own disaster
The pretence that we have fought
The omissions we have neglected
A claim of abstinence now futile

My broken heart unfixed
Untouched removed by another
My faltering eyes
Dismissed,
Deceived by the flowers

Once a believer in my own path
Now soulless in my own right
A rewarded spirit for purity
A rewarded heart for uncertainty

Beaten to the line
Beaten by persuasion
Persuasion of eyes
Persuasion of lips
Persuasion of mind
Persuasion of body

Beaten by youth
Inept mentality
So full of grace
So full of hate
So full and empty
The grass refuses to grow

Flames of Life

2010-09-19T10:49:00.000-07:00

Gosh what a week - it's being crazy and how much crazier can it really get. Who knows - but in order to not find, yes not find out, I'm hiding. I'm hiding until the sun begins to shine again, until people begin to wear shorts, until the breeze blows cool air to take away the sun's moisture.

I need a break - it's being a long summer that was interesting to say the least and now I just want sleep, none stop constant sleep! No not dying, just rest, peace of mind, mind of peace! This weekend, I stayed in! I didn't have the energy to do anything, nothing at all, I just staying in doors and watched X Factor, that was my highlight - anything else I didn't want to know.

I once upon a time use to live a life of reclusiveness, I would come out once in a while, but most of the time I was in doors, I think it's because I live too close to the city that I find no excuse to come out.

But this will change, I have to move soon and I'll move further out, which way I don't know yet, but I'll have some peace, I'll do some different things, meet different people, have my friends but I'll be far away enough to escape but near enough to come back in.

I've never in a long time, just enjoyed my own company and wanted it to last longer - just not speak to a lot of people and just do what I need to do to get by. It strangely enough feels sooooo good!

These Are the Times

2010-09-14T01:10:00.001-07:00

These are the times that I fear the most

This is the moment that I hoped would never come

A hand on my shoulder as I see you in walking in

A hand on my shoulder as I know what you have done

Taken a mind once so rich and turned it into a mine field

A field of broken promises and disaster

Taken a body full of purpose

Changed it into temptation

Torment and pain

Obessing over and over

Their inadequacy to be anything else

Anything more than what you have coined them to be

These are the times I fear the most

The moment I hoped would never come

A finger on my lips as I see her failing

A finger on my lips as you whisper exotic nothings

Dishonesty, distrust have filled your mind

Now like a disease you spread it

Spread it to everyone who will listen

Child, man, dog, things

Lacking loyalty as the next victim emerges

Lacking loyalty for those you thread on

For these are the times I fear the most

The times when selfishness reigns supreme

Humbleness disappears

And each is to their own

Shapless

2010-09-06T22:52:00.001-07:00

You sit there

Looking at your shapless life

How surreal things have become

Once a master of your own destiny

Now a dependent on the future of others

You sit there

Looking at your fully crafted skin

Soft and pure

How surreal things have become

Now you fight the proposed enemies in darkness

As they try to take it all away

But yet you do nothing to defend yourself

Instead waiting on the soliders of the past kings and queens

To return and fight your failing battle

A woman who lacks purity

What more do you expect

A soul full of love

How sad to accept

You watch love pass you daily

Picking as you go by

Thinking of your plan

Your carefully worked out plan

That sees you having regret after regret

This is your moment

Your time to rule the world

But instead your attention quickly changes

Instead you see your time to ease

Ease and lose your change

To discover the meaning of life

The meaning of breathing

The meaning of you.

Suddenly

2010-09-06T22:35:00.001-07:00

Suddenly a revelation

Suddenly you realise the gaping holes

The gushes of wind that hit your face

That blew you away so unwillingly

Suddenly the bullet proof glass shatters

The trick that is life fails

The perfect shell over your already cracked heart begins to break

An unsubtle intake of breathe

the questions filter their way into your mind

Infidelity, dishonesty, insincerity, the other

Suddenly you move a step back

Three to the right

Four to the left,

One forward,

One to the right

You're back in the same position

The same that you were when this began

The same questions and faces

Uncovering the same lies

Now I see what you truly are

But failing to understand why you are

I see the sugar shaped promises

The sweet nectar dripping from your words

The cream that melts as you hold out your hand

The scream in my head as you tell me

It's you

Suddenly I see you

Hormonial Emotions.....Mid-Life crisis

2010-08-24T03:54:00.001-07:00

I hate periods, all they do is make you think and feel things that aren't even there, or maybe are there but it ewscalates the emotions that you have, well it does that to me. Big Time - I've spent my last day loving people, hating people, craving people that I hate, having all these confused emotions that I thought were resolved and then needing to escape these emotions but needing to come back to the source of it all. It's like ping pong and this only happens when it's that time of the month - that annoying time when you don't know if you're coming or going, when your body feels like it's going to explode and you're trying so hard to contain it - yes your period. It was like God inserted this thing into women that caused us to go crazy at certain points in our lives - once a month - to help us release all our bent up emotions and stress and take out on whoever dared cross our paths at that time.

I'm sitting here - thinking should I turn my phone off, because part of me doesn't want to talk to anyone while the other part of me thinks well I need to because if not then I'll probably go insane - and in the middle of this, I'm asking myself what do I want in life - all of a sudden I feel like I'm going through a mid-life crisis.

Some things have not been working for me so far in the past few months - maybe it's just a case of extreme bad luck or maybe it's a test to see what I would do - how far would you go to have everything, but I've learnt to appreciate my family, my friends and be content and happy with what I have.

I don't know where my life will take me, and I'm worried that for once I'm not sure, and part of me just wants to run and experience it all now before it's too late, because it might be too late, for a moment I lost my focus and this is why it led me - I've grown, I've matured in so many things except love - I think I still make the same mistakes, but I've learnt more things about myself:-

I hide myself when I think someone is getting too close, I push them away if I think they are not showing the same amount of attention they give others (which is normally because I push them away). I get too close and then I lose trust because somethings I expect I don't get and once this happens, I'm gone.

So for me at this point in my life 25 - I'm going through a massive mid-life crisis - and all I want to do is do everything now before it's too late!

2010-08-13T01:49:00.000-07:00

Last night I think I experienced the biggest heartbreak of all. It was a surreal moment - almost like it didn't happen, but this morning I woke up knowing it did. I felt half empty - something was missing, still is. It's not just pain, it's pain and anger- anger because it could have worked, but fear - fear is a terrible thing. Fear stopped everything. The fear of losing something that could have possibly grown and worst of all, the fear of "what if" - what if things don't work. I hate what if - I hate fear. I try not to live life with it, I try to do everything fearless and hope for the best but at the best of times it knocks you down. But this is life, it sucks and now all I do is hide - in hope that feat won't find me.

Stranded Thoughts

2010-07-22T10:50:00.000-07:00

Walking down the streets
Lonely as ever
Being played for a fool
Lonely as ever
But still you choose to accept the false facade
Choose to stand by as they pass you by
As the growing
Curiosity sweeping you by
Helpless courage fleeting
Infatuation blossoms
As the tired lies fill the air
As the once was understood mind
Becomes a jumble of naked words
Lying scattered in the street

Lonely as ever
You hold your face down
Not meeting eye with eye
Neck with chest
Scent with nostalgia
Lonely as ever
You let this raging bull
At times in your naiveté consume you
Forgoing responsibility for passion
Obligations for uncensored actions
That never matrialise to anything but you
Walking down the streets
Lonely as ever

Chocolate High

2010-07-05T12:07:00.000-07:00

Butterflies in the sky I feel just like them
Running high, running lose
I wanna go where no one else has ever been before
You feel so sweet
My body is willing
I just close my eyes and I'm ready
Ready for that milk and honey
Ready for the night to begin
So many plans that I have
I've been patiently waiting

Waiting for your chocolate melt
strawberry taste
honey lips to cover mine
Whipped cream eyes
Buttered kisses all over my body
You're my chocolate high

Almost

2010-07-05T11:55:00.000-07:00

I almost loved you
You almost hurt me
We almost fell together
I almost walked into a surreal moment
I almost heard myself cry
I almost let myself feel
I almost held out my hand

In the blink of an eye
I almost forgot all pledges made
In an almost lost moment
I was prepared to let it all out
Prepared to face the consequences
I promised myself that this was real
I promised myself I would know if it wasn't
I almost forgot myself
I almost forgot where I was
Who I was
Who you are

And here I am
Almost lost

2010-07-05T11:46:00.000-07:00

How open can you really be without actually giving away too much of who you are to the wrong person? How open can you be without ruining something that is really good for other people, just because you have an issue? How open can you really be when you see something that is so wrong but are not in the position to say because of the limits of openess? I'm contemplating how to say things without looking like the fool or actually destryong something that could potentially in the future be destroyed or could last, who knows with life things come and go and there's not much you can do about it but move on or cry about it.

I'm not too sure of what I believe anymore, I'm not too sure of who I am anymore. Suddenly I don't want to be an open book, I want to be a closed book that no one can read for a long time, just hidden at the back shelves, gathering dust until the right time. I want to be found later on when I'm interesting. Right now I don't think I'm that person, right now I've got so much going on and I don't know which way to go. Yesterday I had a realisation that my tomorrow may not be where it's meant to be. How do you handle the fact that you will have to leave things that you loved in your life behind and start all over again? I'm not even sure where to start from.

Theses are the times I hate when you go through emotions - yes that time of the month, it makes you look at things that you don't want to see and all you want to do is hide.

Buttrflies

2010-04-22T02:35:00.000-07:00

The tears roll down,
I try to stop them but they won't listen
The tears roll down,
My torn handkerchief can seem to hold them
I've tried to hold them in
I've tried to mask my face
Show my smile
Use my mouth to divert your attention
So you can't see the pain you caused

These butterflies they never lie
I know what I feel
I know what you feel
But a coward you are
A coward you may ever be
I took the step forward
I didn't let distance hold me back
I laid the foundations of the bridge
You broke them
You didn't believe it could be built

Lack of faith you have
Lack of heart you must have.
These butterflies they never lie
I know what I feel
I know what you feel
But a lie you will forever live
A lie you will tell yourself
Just so you can go to bed at night
Without regrets
With another by your side
Another you despise
But you keep close to make you feel closed

Lack of place you have
Lack of happiness you must want.
These butterflies they never lie
I know what you feel
And I know what I must do.
I must create a new chapter
Change my history
So I can understand my future
I must re-build my castle
Brick by brick
Shovel in hand to bury the bridge
Heart hidden to stop trespassers

Hidden Kiss

2010-03-04T04:54:00.000-08:00

she left with a solemn godbye
A hidden kiss that filled the sheets
The soft smell of roses that said
The almost touch of a lovetr

We danced under the blue lit sky
The stars came out to fill the path
The moon created a dance floor
This was our paradise
If only for a night
If only for a minute

An almost trageic fall
An almost kiss
The breath on my neck
The scent on my clothes
The memories on my fingers
The words unsaid still lingering in the air
The kisses unkissed still waiting for a mouth

And so we said our goodbye
The emotions hidden in the back
The eyes telling a love story unforgotten
The hands making motions
When all they want to do is stop, wait and hold on

The Reason to my Singleness

2010-02-11T07:54:00.000-08:00

I'm semi-happy today. Yesterday was an insightful day. One filled with random happenings, girls looking for love, boys lying about love, and me finding love, finding love wanted me too but then having to leave love even though love and me felt the same way....

The day began with me sitting in a somewhat empty coffee shop with my hot chocolate, this only happening because my friend had suddenly got another place to be which was urgent - with gay men anything with a dick is urgent! So a guy walks in looking smart, he wants a job, they're not looking. For some reason that is the same as my love life right now - no one seems to be looking, except for me and I'm looking in all the places they are not hiring. The unavailable ones, the ones with issues, the ones who have too much going on, the ones that don't know who they are, the ones that only want fun and the ones that don't want to hurt you. Maybe it's the fact that they don't want me that I enjoy, maybe I go for them because I know they don't want me and therefore use that as my excuse to not be with any of them or anyone in general, I blame rejection. But we all do that sometimes don't we, easily blame other people for our positions, because that is what we as people do, can't accept that sometimes it's our fault for the way things are. Anyway after my coffee met some close friends, one of which I've recently began having feelings for, I saw a different side to her and I like it I guess. She knows how I felt, I've told her, but we act like nothing was said, we have such a good friendship, why ruin it? Besides she has baggage, loads of baggage, imagine Shane from the L word...that's her!! To be fair, my ex was a bit like that also...I see a pattern here!

That night after loads of drink and a friend of ours proposing her love for my friend, she told me she felt the same way - and it wasn't the alcohol speaking. She wanted me as much as I wanted her, but she doesn't want to lose our friendship, I don't either, I love our friendship, I think it's amazing, we talk about everything, her random nights out and all the random girls that want her, we talk about my lack of randomness, but I always seem to attract the crazy girls who are well just crazy!! We laugh about it all and it's fun because we know that at the end of it all we still have each other to count on when something's not right - but here we are. We both want more, but we're scared that everything we have will disappear if we do because if it doesn't work out then our friendship could be over.

The funny thing about life is sometimes the easiest decision is the hardest one, you try to find the one way that you think is right but then you get thrown a curve ball and you're not ready for it. I don't want to be another woman in her life and she doesn't want that too. But I can't help but thinking what if we could be something more? what if it could last? Then again does anything last?

Sometimes I wish I could look into that little crystal ball and know what was going to happen - at least it would save us all the pain of not knowing!

A year older...

2009-12-18T13:56:00.001-08:00

I always find myself preaching about how much life is about taking risks and living! Taking each day as it comes, doing what makes you happy. It's funny when you stop listening to your own advice and doing what doesn't make sense.

I met a girl, I think I loved her, briefly or maybe not, but what I felt for her was strong. It could be the mystery that surrounded her that intrigued me, or it could be the fact that someone so good looking was interested in me and thought that I was just as beautiful. Whatever it was it's gone now, the feeling didn't last, the other side of her turned up, the absent side. In hindsight I guess I gave the wrong impression of me, the cool, calm, laid back side of me didn't come out, no instead this other person that wasn't even me came out. I found myself trying so hard to impress her with useless things that wouldn't even impress me and the person who I really was wasn't there. I had chances, so many chances to be me and to show how I felt but I didn't, I held back, I was stopped, my body and my hands would not do what I wanted them to do and I would stutter and not say the right things and sound like a blabbing fool who didn't know which way was left or right and when it was so obvious what I should say, I would shut up. I would clamp and hold my tongue because this weird person that came out of me would do that. And the words that I hate saying the most....I regret it. But regret yes, still I have learnt things about myself that I didn't think were still there.

For a long time I have been saying to myself I am more mature than my age, this is true, I am, but I am not as mature as I thought I was and it took this one experience in my life to show me this, to let me see that I am just me and I don't have to try to be someone else. It took one "almost lover" to make this realise and coincidentally the week that I grow a year older. And so as I grow older I realise that I am not that old mentally. I am still young at heart but whilst I have maturity above those my age it doesn't mean that I am not still my age.

And now what do I do about my impromptu woman? Well nothing, she knows where I am and I know where she is.

30 Years

2009-12-15T02:38:00.001-08:00

All at once 30 years go by

And you feel your breasts drooping -

In your head you see pretty twenty-something year olds

Squealing as your cheating husband calls them on the street corners.

There is no shattering glass,

No bullet proof vest that can protect you.

Instead in the darkness at the back of your head

You invite Fear to sit patiently,

Waiting for you to forget that he even exists.

For 30 years He has carefully hidden Himself

And now He has let Himself in with a basketful of teenage nightmares.

30 years go by and now here is the moment of truth,

The moment that you have been waiting for,

You have prepared for this moment time and time again in your head,

Rehearsing each line as it goes,

God, fear, the inadequacy of your blackness if you are this queer,

The inadequacy of yourself if you are the Other.

30 years now, 30 years.....and you are still not ready for this moment.

These Tears

2009-12-15T02:37:00.003-08:00

These tears are not for you
Do not deceive yourself of your importance
I cry because my will is lost
I cry because my heart disfigured

These tears are not for you
Do not deceive yourself of your lies
Your ignorance as you walk past
Your precise resistance to looking
My eyes have already being averted
My mouth aimed at another

I cry because I am not fulfilled
I cry because I am not who I am
I cry because my dance and song is incomplete
My furious soul is still searching for my answer
My beating chants pounding on my drum

These tears are not for you
These tears are for me
These tears are my deception
These tears are my crying call
These tears are my heart ache
These tears are mine

Afrochild

2009-12-15T02:37:00.001-08:00

What if...
What if I was you and you were me,
Would you look at me the way I look at you?
Would you try to be next to me, standing
A little bit too close, letting legs brush, fingers cross even if just for a second.
Just so for that second you would know what it felt like?

Would you let your hand run through my afro hair
Breathe over my afro skin
Dance with me to this afro beat
And just let yourself go,
To this afro child?

Would you notice the little looks I give?
The casual way I place my hand on your knee, your hair, your back....
All to comfort you when you're down.

Would you notice the lack of voice I have when it's me and you?
Yes this afro child can lose her tongue...
Trying so hard to find the right words,
the right tone, the right topic,
the right...just the right texture of movement to tell you...
this afro child is more intense and more deep than you can imagine....

What if...
What if I was you and you were me,
Would you let me just look at you,
Admire and admire and admire
Until I am fulfilled with your beauty
And full of your elegance
So that in everyone I see, all I see is you?

Me

2009-09-20T14:31:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I'm self-loathing

Sometimes I'm self inspiring.

I can see myself as the greatest, but I feel like the weakest.

My heart is not the strongest, but it beats the hardest

My determination is unrelentless, my courage full of flaws.

I cannot get past my inability to be me

But I can surpass every doubt you may have about me.

With an iron fist I rule

With a heart of gold I speak to you

My beauty may not be pleasing to the eye

But my soul is a goddess.

My hands may not have seen the hardest days

But my soft skin has been through the coldest nights

And as I lay bare all that I have

With nothing in my pockets but my hands

I hope you see what I am trying to give to you.

The me within reaching out to you.

In One Minute

2009-09-20T14:30:00.001-07:00

I guess I almost fell,
But I realised there was nothing there to catch me,
I almost crossed over,
But there was nothing on the other side,
I looked in your eyes and I saw the truth.
I slowly let go.
I had been taken in by the words,
I forgot to look at the meaning,
The hidden lines between each breath,
The hidden signs that you breathed as you said them,
The slight hesitation in your eyes as you turned away,
The momentary pause as I moved closer.

I should have noticed that the slight brush of the wrist
Was nothing more than indication
A secret sign to tell me what this all meant
In one night,
In one minute,
Everything was said as the stillness around us moved,
In one minute we danced and collapsed,
In one minute we had our first and final bow.
In one minute, in only one minute
Our carefully constructed path,
Our recited meeting,
Was suddenly turned into a silent chaotic mess
And so it ended,
In a brilliant alto resonating until this day,
Showing the emotions that were never seen.

Warning: Good Looking People Not Wanted

2009-02-22T13:21:00.001-08:00

I get really nervous when good looking people start talking to me, not that they do on an occasional basis, but when once in a blue moon in my life they start to look at me I instantly think, they have an ulterior motive! I mean, I don’t know what I’m scared of, it’s not like they’re going to kidnap me and put me in a space ship and do experiments on me, but I think it’s the fact that they are good looking and I think to myself am I here boost your ego because I’m not as good looking and everyone wants you and not me??? Don’t get me wrong, good looking people do have emotions, they have bad times and good times, I mean they are human, but at the same time, they’re like superhuman….because the media makes them as the untouchables; what everyone should aspire to be and to be fair we’re all superficial these days, gone are the days when brain mattered or heart or soul! I see a good looking girl and I think, she probably isn’t as smart as me, and doesn’t like to argue about politics and just wants to talk about make-up and clothes and shopping….superficial. And if she walked up to me, I would not have a clue what to say to her, except….”Why are you talking to me?” or in one case “I don’t work here”, and that was before she opened her mouth. Moral of this story….none really, only that I have my stereotypes which I am trying to squash because I’m sure people have the same about me….but if you’re good looking…..please don’t kidnap me!!!

Stop F*?!ing and Start Talking

2009-02-19T01:05:00.000-08:00

Maybe it's that thing that plagues the LGBT community that makes me think "oh my God" I need to join in! Maybe it's that thing that makes a lot of people think I'll die alone and lonely, maybe if we all got over it, we would all be happier. That thing by the way is "body image".

Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with looking good and taking care of yourself, and yes it is healthy and all of that. But within our community "body image" comes above personality, who the person is and if you get along. For me personally, I would like to have physical attraction yes but also someone to talk to and someone that I get along with regardless of skin colour and so on. Without sounding like one of those grumpy old women who are just fed up and love to complain about everything, I think it's time that we did move on.

There are so many single women and men out there who are looking for Mrs Right or Mr Right and who have written down that they are open-minded and looking for someone who they connect with and can have fun with blah blah blah blah blah. But that can only happen if you fit the physical bill, body etc. I'm not saying people should start randomly dating anyone, but I am saying never judge a book by it's cover. I know I do.

I look at good looking women and I don't even bother, why? Well because they probably won't be interested in me, even though there is the small possibility that me and her could eventually hit it off. People look at me and go "not my type" and I have no qualms with that but they might be missing out on a good friendship.

The problem is everyone wants to fuck these days and when you and I look at someone it all comes down to will I sleep with them or not and never I just want to get to know them better and see what they are about. Personally I find nothing wrong with someone who says that to me, infact I find it flattering that someone wants me to rant about myself. Bring it on.

So the morally of this story is, stop Fucking and Start Talking.

Tears of a broken soul

2009-01-11T13:12:00.001-08:00

These are the words I cried,
These are the tears I bled,
These are the songs I wept,
The hand that held back the violence,
The breasts that were hit in fury,
The ground I struck with my fierce repentance.

Did you not see what I saw?
Did you not hear the cry?
Did you not see the look of need,
The voice of a lost soul
The eyes of the bleeding heart?

How could you ignore the plea?
As she sat there with her legs broken,
On her knees she begged you to help her.
Her hands in your face,
Her blood on your hands,
But you walked pass as you spat in her face

You walked pass she fell on the ground
From dust to dust she became
The woman from your rib.

"Can You Please Stop Moving, You're Making Me Horny?"

2009-01-04T04:24:00.001-08:00

As it's the new year, we all reflect on what we did or didn't do the years past and things we said we would do but never did. We regret and regress and in some cases we get depressed, and others say I did way too much I want to live my life. In my case it was different. I thought about my past relationship that I was in for three years, and in the beginning it was all about sex (lesbians have a higher sex drive don't they?), we talked, but the sex was good! Until we got to the final year of our relationship and for the sake of this I will name my ex...Shane (as she is like a Shanish character in a way).

Shane didn't want sex as often (doesn't this spell the beginning of LSD - Lesbian Sex Death?) in fact she complained that I only thought about sex! But as my excuse, if you lie on my special place and move a lot, it's going to get wet and inevitable will want some sort of relief.

So I would say things like; "Can you please stop moving, you're making me horny?" and that would result into an argument..how does that translate! But I realised something from that which is very obvious....while people like me have a high drive and little things can us going...other people aren't that bothered. I think for Shane it got to the point that she wanted more love than sex...or should I say more affection that sex, and maybe I was satisfied with the amount of affection I was being given and wanted more sex.

Moral story here? When LSD begins to set in, it's always a good thing to ask yourself and your partner why...you never know it might just be one of the things to save your relationship, but for me I didn't think it was worth saving, we had way too many differences that could not be fixed over night or ever really i think.

Thank Fuck for 2009!

2009-01-01T04:39:00.001-08:00

Last year was a sorry year wasn't it? But for it was a year of growth, but it's a day behind me now and that's where it will stay, behind me.

This year it's all about self-improvement for me, regaining my confidence and doing what I want to do in life. I was at a really amazing party last night and I met some great people, but in particular this one guy named Nimesh, who could dance! And we danced...but he said something to me that I feel I have to keep my promise to. He said to me,

"I'm almost 40 and I wish when I was 23 I took all those chances that I had. You're only 23 once and this good looking once. If you see someone you like just go up to them and say I think you're good looking, that's all. And if nothing happens, nothing happens, move on".

And at the time of my drunkenness, I just nodded, but thinking about it now, it's what this year is all about for me. Just doing it...whatever it maybe. I feel like I had something in me bursting to come out and this is the year to do that, and I don't want to look back on my life or each year and go why didn't I do that.

So I say, do you this year and don't care what anyone else things, just as long as you're happy.

Persistence Gets You Nowhere...

2008-12-30T01:00:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I have a house mate, he's a cool dude and we get on alright. We have several things in common, we both like football, women and neatness. So can't complain there. If I wasn't this way inclined, we would get married, but I am, and he doesn't seem to understand that.

I have to instead endure for the next three months (until my lease is up) his constant hugging, walking up close to me...and yesterday was a bit of a massive surprise. He started kissing my neck, and there I stood with the most horrid look of shock on my face. It was the most unexpected thing in the world.

I have stood there trying to state my place in the world to him. Telling him in every little sentence that I can slip in there, I'm gay, I'm Gay, I'm GAY! But I think all he sees is me, tits and ass, and nothing else.

Funny thing is, he is a major player always brining girls round, and I can see this...but as I was recently informed. The real problem with men is a) they like a challenge because it brings out their cave man conquest side and b) they are a bit stupid really.

So what to do with this dilemma? I've said no, I've said I'm not interested, if I bring a girl home, he'll probably want a threesome...so that's a no no. When will they understand that no actually does mean no, and I'm gay does mean I don't want to sleep with you.

Shy and Not My Type

2008-12-28T10:36:00.001-08:00

In my limited experience of this dating game, I've counted the number of times that I've heard those two lines, sometimes in the same sentence. And it usually proceeds you saying "I like you".

Once upon a time people loved you being upfront and honest, it meant that you knew where you stood from the get go - it's not rocket science - I like you, let's get to know each other better. Nobody said anything about kids and a caravan, but that is the immediate fear...commitment.

I've been on a few dates recently, getting myself out there and in all cases I've thought it's gone well (obviously I don't know how to read signals), I was wrong. They say to me, yeah let's meet up again, after making me do all the talking because they are too shy and then as the night draws to an end and you hug goodbye, you get that text that says "I'm sorry you're not my type" text. So I sit there trying to figure out what it was I missed, we talked, we laughed, she agreed to meet up again and then THIS! I got my wires crossed, obviously! But this is the sad truth of the dating game, a whirlpool of mines that you're just trying to hope over and miss.

The Nicest No...

2008-12-23T09:44:00.001-08:00

I guess the title says it all to be honest with you...I got rejected and it was the nicest rejection ever! She said I was lovely, but can't offer me the things I want from a "gal pal" because she's not made that way, but would love to spend time with me as a friend.

I mean it's nice, but I regret it and don't regret it. I feel like I've got a weight lifted off my shoulder and I know where I stand but it's still a rejection and that's the part that hurts the most. With every rejection you always sit there and question yourself, and you think maybe it's me, maybe I wasn't good enough, or I read the situation wrong. Maybe it's the way I look, or I'm not the right size or whatever, the list just goes on. And then you think maybe I should change all these things just so I'm not rejected anymore...I'm thinking lose a few pounds, like my mother says, the skinnier you are the more likely you are to get married! If it was up to her I think I would be locked up in a room and fed once a day until I became a size zero...bearing in my mind I'm a size 16, slowly going to a size 14, who knew working out could be so hard eh and slow!

The truth is in a few days time, I'll move on because we all do, it wasn't love at first sight, I just really like who she is. So someone else will come along and have my attention and I'll probably get rejected or if they're smart enough they'll say yes! :-)

either way, I have to go into work tomorrow and see her. Now that will be awkward if I make it so, the best policy act like nothing happened. At least I've gained a friend, I think.

Single right now....is so not a good look on me.

Until tomorrow...Ciao

The Question

2008-12-23T08:28:00.001-08:00

So I said to myself that I would ask her in person and I was gearing up to it honestly, I was. I sat there at work, we exchanged funny lengthy e-mails, I learnt about her nickname and her somewhat dislike for Nicole Kidman, and also the fact that she is a secret movie geek. And I walked over to go speak to her when I remembered one small factor that I had kept in the back of my head...the fact that I think she may have a thing for this guy we work with.

I guess I just didn't want to think about it, it's one of those things that doesn't exist until reality bites. Me and her have a connection I must admit, but I also think she wants something more with him. It's not a nice feeling sitting there feeling defeated when you haven't even waged a battle to win the war. But he's a sweet guy and I get on well with him, but I don't think that he wants her.

So anyway to cut my sad story short, I didn't do it in person, but I sent a text. I know, I know a text! But I don't want to get told no to my face now do I! So I'm sitting here waiting for the reply, will she say yes to going for a coffee or no...if she says yes, what will I do??? I haven't even thought that far yet, I don't think I can put myself up for a disappointment. Plus I have to face her at work tomorrow, ahh the whole gets bigger.

I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow...fingers crossed!

Ciao

Couldn't Break the ice!

2008-12-22T09:07:00.000-08:00

So I went in to work today with the intention of asking her out on a date.

I waited for her to come in at her usual time and she didn't. I was relieved because I thought well I escaped that...but that was short lived she was late...over slept!

Well I had to pick my time right to ask her out. I couldn't do it over an e-mail that would make it seem like I didn't have the balls to do it face to face, but doing it face to face was even worse because then I faced the prospect of direct rejection or even worse one of those "I have to think about it", which usually equates to a NO.

So she asks me if I've been to Marks and Spencer and I say no...my perfect opportunity to talk to her and ask her, just me and her. So in the office she's dancing my name..."Joyful Joy"..well something like that. She walks up to me and puts her hand around my shoulder and looks me in the eyes and all I want to do is....well I think you can imagine.

So we head out to the shop and talk along the way, little conversation and when I think I can ask her...I chicken out!

I couldn't do it. I thought to myself maybe tomorrow, I can ask her tomorrow, but all the what ifs come back to haunt me...

So I've made a decision, what is it? Well you'll have to wait until tomorrow to find out.

Ciao!

Ready to break the ice!

2008-12-21T10:37:00.000-08:00

As I sit here and listening to my neighbours funny noises, I remember the girl I almost spoke to today.

It was at work, I spotted her as she got up and walked over to make a cup of coffee. I never work weekends, but I figure, it pays more so I'll do a Sunday, but now I'm thinking maybe I should do more Sundays (isn't it funny how we do things like that). Anyway, she went over to make her cup of coffee, with her long light brown hair and her cute glasses on, she looked sexy-normal - not drop dead gorgeous you're a model sexy, but normal sexy, like I can walk down the street with you and not think people are saying why is she with me, but still have them looking twice sexy.

But then instead of me thinking about her, I found my thoughts trailing to another woman I work with , she's 31, but you would never think it if you looked at her, she's sexy, mature and young in spirit, is her own person which by the way is very sexy....and is understanding. So we talk and we get on and she's straight, but is willing to play for the other side if the right person showed up, but I get the impression she is the sort of person that wants to be taken....she wants the other person to take the lead I mean and not be so shy. But what do you say...I mean what do you ever say? It's like that icebreaker that you want to use to impress the other person, but you don't know what it is. That pick up line that doesn't come out right, that first impression that goes so wrong. What do I say? Nothing!

I want to say, I think you're good looking, intelligent, honest and smart would you like to go out for a coffee with me....but then I think to myself, if I somehow find the courage to say that to her, and I get rejected, then what? I mean life goes on, but will I lose that friendship that I've grown to enjoy that friendly banter, the innocent conversations that somehow become intimate....but will I lose it? Or is it worth the risk of finding out if something could be there and maybe, just maybe, as straight as she is, she might be a little bit curious to see where things would lead with a little gal like me...

Life is about risks, that's what people say, but are all risks worth taking? If I turned up to work tomorrow and said to her, I really like you, come out with me Saturday night and let's have dinner and she said no, would it be worth it? But at least I would know what she would say and not be on my death bed a thousand years from now wondering what she said. I should just do it and risk it...after all she is going back to Australia in March next year, that's three months or so that I've got left, so what's the worst that could happen?

Wish me luck

Desperately Desperate???

2008-12-20T09:39:00.001-08:00

As I sit here with a glass of Merlot and a whining dog outside my window, I think to myself, is it that hard to find someone, I mean the world is plastered with endless amounts of women just waiting for someone, knight in shining armour, princess charming, Cinderella who knows...but I do know that so far I can't find one for me.

I tried to figure out what it was, went through all the obvious, skin colour, not a size 10, too young too old...bearing in mind I am only 23, it still didn't make sense. And friends will be friends just knowing what to say...the usual, "Oh Joy, someone will come along" or "Why are you still single?" or my favourite "You just need to get yourself out there more"...well I am out there wherever there maybe, I've been there for a long time, but the young ones think I'm a bit too mature and older ones think I'm too young! I've contemplated standing in Soho Square with a sign post saying Single and Free..here's my number call me! And then have an arrow pointing towards me as I standing with a lost puppy look on my face waiting for my owner to take me home.

I think what I really want is someone mature and knows what they want in life....by the way that is something everyone says but never means because you offer them that and they don't want it because you're not their type. What is a type anyway? I think if I had my type I would be cutting myself off from something potentially meaningful, and for this reason I go with personality. If we click mentally and share a chemistry then that's what I want more, because sometimes a type on the outside isn't the same on the inside (cheesy I know). So as I return to my glass of the wine, with the whining dog outside, I try to think of different ways to meet new people, who knows I might find my Princess Charming along the way.

For now....Ciao!!

What is Love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me no more......

2008-04-24T06:31:00.001-07:00

ever fallen for someone so bad, that you just don't know what to do? ever had that feeling...the one were you just knew that this could be something special, but you're not quite sure what it is yet?

Well, I'm going through that feeling. I mean she makes me feel like no one else has ever made me feel, i could talk to her for hours and hours and still not be satisfied. It's like an addiction that i have with her, it's just so strong sometimes, so what's the problem?

Well it's that same old age problem...it's a one way thing, well, it's a kind of one way thing. You see she knows how i feel, but as she put it, she won't answer any questions, or state where she stands, she'll wait and see where it leads. The most diplomatic answer I've ever heard! But it doesn't rule us out, but sometimes a person just needs to know where they stand. Needs to know if they should give up or just move on, or just attempt on being friends. And while she hasn't stated anything, there are times that we talk and we flirt a lot, talking about things that we would do together and so on, and it's in those times that i think, this could go somewhere, but for everything there is an opposite, because then you have the times that she tells me about other people that she would like to do things with, and it hurts and then i feel like i should do the same to her, but it occurred to me, she would probably think that I'm over her...but that's a good thing right?

It Must be me.....right???

2008-03-14T14:36:00.001-07:00

Ever felt like you're doing something wrong, but really have no idea what it is that you're doing so wrong. I must wear some kind of repellent or have a sign written across my head because everytime i get close to asking a girl out or anything remotely close to that...nothing happens. It's like someone sent out a memo telling these girls something about me and they just make a U-Turn and go.

According to my one of my closest friends, these girls can't handle the fact that I know what i want; and that really made me think, "What could I possibly want that they can't handle?". I'm not a controlling person...I over-analyze everything, I want to be a writer someday or a producer if anything. Right now my life is writing, doing my Masters and working, it's not like i don't have time for a relationship. So what is it that I want that's so wrong? I'm not a great fan of the scene, mainly because it's not really my thing, all the drama and the expense of it all, but that doesn't mean that i don't enjoy going out now and then.

So I've come to the conclusion that it's not me, it's them. I get sent signals that say "I'm interested", either i'm picking the wrong signals or being told that "I want to talk to you 24/7" doesn't I want to talk to you 24/7, "let's have dinner, just me and you" and "let's do something together, just me and you", doesn't mean what it use to mean.

I'm getting to the point where I'm tired of reading signals and in between the lines, i would like it straight up you know. Where neither person has to wait and find out if the other person likes them, it's just there on the plate, take it or leave it, it's not a game show, there is not trip for two to Spain...just the prospect of happiness and love. That's it.

But I'm still waiting to get this memo that all these girls are getting about me! :S

Days of Signifance

2008-03-11T04:46:00.000-07:00

here's the perception that British people are smug, arrogant, and posh - but is this true?

The truth is it's far from that, it's a culture of binge drinking, of violence, of experimentation. There is something very random about the youth culture of Britain, no through line. New laws come up to try and stop senseless killing of kids on the streets or worse kids being in the wrong place at the wrong time, but with these laws comes nothing substantial to back it up. A 15 year old stabs a father of three kids, he goes to juvenile center for 3 years, in his eyes he's "hard", a juvenile center is nothing but home away from home.

Friday nights, the streets are crowed with teenage boys and girls aged 11 upwards in alleyways, bus stops, on buses, in street corners, drinking their lives away, smoking whatever they can get their hands on. Some sell themselves just for a cigarette, the girls howling after the boys prepared to bend over because they think that that's what makes boys like you.

A clear image in my head remains, a friend walking over to a girl telling her everything she wanted to hear, how beautiful she was, how sexy she was. Our bus was coming, i didn't have time to hang around and see if he would get in her pants, we called him and he ran for the bus. He had the hump because he would have gotten her right there and then, and then i asked him, "how old was she?". he didn't know, she could have been 14, 15, he didn't know. She looked old enough, that's all that mattered. Needless to say, we're not friends anymore, that was the first time i actually saw it happen, and now i see i more often, every Friday night, Saturday night, they roam the streets with nothing to do, so they have to entertain themselves somehow...

Park benches at night...rustling in the leaves behind the park benches...boys girls, boys boys, girls girls...park benches at night.

These are the Days of significance...these are the days

For God's sake....No More Binding!!!

2008-03-02T13:21:00.001-08:00

So right now i'm at a stage in my life where my mother doesn't know about me, but one out of my four brothers does...and he's cool with it...well so he says.

Now my family are extremely religious, we grew up in church and i so far have been the only deviant for various reasons...one majorly being because i feel awkward standing when someone is saying that i'm going to hell and everyone else shouts "Amen". But i'm also a fairly big girl, not massive, just big...size 16/18. I'm not sad about my size, i'm fine with it, i excerise now and then, but not alot. Yeah i would love to be a size 14, but right now i'm ok. Anywhoo, my mother believes that if I lose weight i'll miraculously find a husband...just out a blue men will start looking at me (because for some reason she thinks they don't...well the good ones don't only the "nonsense" ones). Her theory is basically, i'm "single" because i'm a big girl! And today while talking on the phone, i told her i was yet again happy with my weight and she started to cast out all the demons and evil spirits that where doing this to me....and called for the "Holy Ghost Fire" to send away anyone that put these thoughts into my head!

You know when you get tired of talking...and you just feel like saying ENOUGH!!! Really loudly and screaming! That's what i felt like...i'm tired of saying this is who i am...i've said it so many times. And now i just want to say DEAL WITH IT! And then come out! But alas, i'm not ready for that yet, partly because i have to be ready for the consequences of that. I mean she was praying for me and binding evil spirits over my weight....what will she do when i come out!!! the word being WHEN! WHEN! WHEN!

Who isn't?

2008-02-28T13:02:00.000-08:00

Sunny day....sunny sunny day
Where has all the flaming sunshine gone on my sunny day.
I sit...i stare...i sit as I stare
I wonder...i ponder
And i take it all in.
All that is left of nothingness
In this abyss...as i paint into the dark

Such is my story...such is my wonder, my appreciation
In a world where nothing is everything
Surrounded my the beauty of life
I look into their eyes as they pass me by
I whisper into their souls as they watch me watch them
But yet it gets me nowhere
Yet I have to guess, i have to extract the puzzle...
Their puzzle to fit into mine
To find the key
To find the hole.
Who is and who isn't?
Who is and who isn't?
Who isn't?

The scene

2008-02-27T04:18:00.000-08:00

Such is the absurdity of life...

You try and you try to achieve something and when it seems like you're getting somewhere it all just seems to be thrown back at you and you stand there thinking to yourself...why in the world do i even bother honestly!

2008, what can i say? Hasn't been the best of starts but i can't sit around and moan about things and complain...i can only get up and try and change things. But as it goes when you try to change things...it doesn't necessarily mean that things will come out better.

The love life...what love life??? I met a girl I liked..hell she gave me the wrong signals...asking me out, saying we could non-scene things together and as soon as i say i liked her...she takes it that i want to get married and have 1.4 kids with her, while living in a caravan...hell i didn't want any of that. i did make it clear that i was just telling her it...because it's who i am...if i like someone i tell them...i don't expect to like me back, if they do it's a bonus don't get me wrong...but i explained that. Anywhoo...she stopped talking to me, which i found rather rude...as i did nothing to her. I did try to talk to her but alas got nowhere and so i gave up. But funny enough i still think she's a somewhat cool person....is it wrong that i still want to talk to her even though i know she wouldn't talk to me?? Or maybe she thinks I'll fall in love with her or something crazy like that?? or maybe i still want to talk to her only when everyone else is busy?? Hmm...who knows.

The scene...the scene. What is sooo good about the scene? where everyone sleeps with everyone and every now and then you hook with one of your mates exes who you didn't even know was their ex? But it's fun i must admit...it's fun and expensive....and it's something that i just can't do. It's OK going out don't get me wrong...but i think I've gotten to a stage in my life where i want more...i don't just want to go out every week to club/bar somewhere and just drink and dance with random girls and somewhere along the line you find something akin to love. I want to go out to see a film or a play or whatever...have dinner, maybe go for a walk and then home. I'm a sad romantic...true, but that's me. I guess for a while i was trying to look outside that and be someone I'm not, and i can't. And it's annoying because it seems like everyone is doing the scene and me I'm just not all that interested and if i force myself to do it....i just don't feel like me anymore.

ohhhh the irony of it all!!!!!

Unknown

2008-01-01T10:33:00.000-08:00

to be or not to be....always the same flaming question. In a world that has no answers, not beginning or no ending...or is there an ending. Well apparently there's supposed to be one, for every beginning there is an end...sounds like a line from Star Wars, " the path of the Jedi has only just begun".....The Hero's journey. So i being the year by reflecting on the year gone by, as well do...and i guess for me it's a time for no more excuses. I'm being pushed into actually working for hard for what i want, and I know that other people won't understand it or why I'm doing it and they'll question it, but I understand it and that's all that should matter right? Wrong! Not in the world we live in....we always have to think of how out actions will affect others even though we're doing for ourselves and it's something that "I" need to do for "ME". Such is life, harsh, abrasive and really not caring, but we have to live it and make the most out of it, and sooner or later it becomes nicer, kinder....well for some it does, and others just learn to put the bad aside and keep the good i guess.

Weight Regime and all other Babbel 4

2007-06-08T04:34:00.000-07:00

Day 4.

Yesterday I can honestly say that I did some exercise, not by my own choosing of course, if it was by my own choosing we would have taken the train, instead of walking across a bridge, which by the way scared the life out of me. I'm scared of heights, HATE it. Just the thought that separating you from the crumbling fate of dying is nothing but a large slate of concrete and air! So my lovely friend held my hand all the way across the bridge, actually both because we then decided to walk across the millennium bridge, which was even worse. Half way across the bridge I felt the tears start to warm up in my eyes, I honestly thought that any second now this bridge is going to collapse and I am going to be in water screaming for my life. I could almost feel myself falling through the air with my hands grabbing for an imaginary rope. Ahhhhh! But again my friends were with me, while my gay friend held my hand, my not-so-gay friend conceded to just rub my shoulder and then interlock arms with me…she was a bit nervous I would assume, but they kept me talking about God knows what and I made it across the bridge. They reckon my next task should be to go on the London Eye. AS IF! Me in a small cabin-thingy, with glass around me, looking out into London and on the ground seeing pin sized figures walking; I don't think so! But it was good exercise, a nice long long walk; we took the long way round from Covent Garden to go to Wagamam at the South Bank, through Embankment. Yeah I know ridiculous, but fun.

Along the way we realised that we missed the feeling of meeting someone for the first time and enjoying that first date that you usually have, basically the 'getting to know you/honeymoon' period. We're young and want to feel that way, instead of being 24, rich, working in a bank until 11.00pm and not having a life. We want to enjoy having coffee, well in my case it'll have to be coffee with skimmed milk. But basically, we want to enjoy being young, while we're young, which means no relationships till we're 25, going out on a Friday night, trying to pull and getting nowhere, then getting drunk, just so we can pull, and when we do pull for the night, we have no idea what to do with person because we actually don't want a one-night stand.

But on a brighter note, I'm changing my dietary plan to less carbohydrate and more protein, so fish and all that kind of stuff will have to be put in there, but I'm also growing to life vegetarian food, something I never thought I would say. And I spoke to my dad last night; yeah I told him I was gay! So far, he hasn't yet said anything back, so I'm still sort of waiting for a reply and when I get on, I'll be sure to let you know.

P.S I think he already knew because he didn't sound too shocked when I told him. He must have been watching me from heaven. Wonder how they feel about gay people. Hmmm.

Weight Regime and all other Babbel 3

2007-06-07T04:06:00.001-07:00

DAY 3 in Big Joy's house, and still no change, Big Joy is still BIG. I mean I wouldn't call myself like massive or anything, but I am fairly big boned. So my girlfriend and I will be going to the gym next week Monday; yeah I'm going to the gym, how odd is that. I have even been in a gym, honestly, I promise you, never been in a gym. I don't know how any of the contraptions work! I mean I can't run, I run to the bus stop which is a 3-minute walk from me and I'm already panting for any kind of air before I collapse, now imagine in on a treadmill. I can do those stationary bicycle things, at least I know I won't get that wrong, you know, I mean I'm just riding, I don't have to go anywhere. Yeah, I can do that, but definitely not weights, I think I'd just drop if I did weights. Maybe I should joining one of those aerobic classes or maybe, maybe get a tape and do it in the comfort of my own house without people looking at you going, "ohh she's a bit big ain't she!" But then again, I figure that people in those classes must have been big at some point in their life or they wouldn't be there! I think it's just the fact that they've reached the stage that I wanna be at.

Elsewhere in my life, I'm still looking for a new job, and a place to live. I'm living at home with my four brothers and mother, and they are driving me up the wall, plus I'll need a creative environment to work in when I start my MA in October. Can't wait, really excited about that. But right now at this moment, I'm waiting for a phone call. I'm supposed to be going out, well if I get the phone call, plus the girl is absolutely gorgeous. Doesn't it always happen that when you meet a good-looking person, you're taken? Yeah I just found out one of my friends that I had a massive crush on in school, is gay….yes she is, and rather late in coming out as well, because we could have been up in the moon by now. But such is life.

And no I didn't do any exercise today, my excuse is my brother wanted to be wait for a parcel. But I think I'll write a letter to my dad, up in heaven and see how he's doing, ask him what it's like and all, if the food's any good, or maybe I should bring a pack or something.

P.S I think I'll tell him I'm gay first.

Weight Regime and all other Babbel 2

2007-06-06T02:31:00.000-07:00

Weight Regime and All other Babble

Day 2

Ok, so I woke up this morning with all good intent on doing some exercise, the intent was there but there was no follow through, neither was a big whole 'hallelujah' chorus that followed as well. There just wasn't any motivation! You would think the need to lose weight because sometimes you don't like the person you look at, or the feel of your stretch marks would be enough motivation, but sadly enough it isn't. To top it all off, today I have to call several actresses and tell them that they have not got the role they auditioned for in my short film…oh yeah I forgot to mention, I make short films. Yes, I know, I'll be poor and creative, and I probably should have listened to my mother when she said there's no future in film, I should study English literature and become a teacher. I don't think I would have minded that much doing the literature part, it's the teaching I wouldn't have liked. I like kids, but these days kids have way too much rights than adults, the amount of poor people who've lost their job because I child cried wolf and after losing nearly everyone in their entire life from 2 years in court, the child decides it's time to tell the truth. No Thank You! I'll stick to my imaginary world of writing and now and then break from it to direct.

I think the reason why I didn't have the motivation today to do any exercise is the same reason I never seem to have any motivation; I'm just too damn lazy and I need to move and find my own place. But like everything else it comes down to money, and since my job is not the best paying job in the world, I can't move out. But I am looking for a new job, a new outlet in life, something more creative and substantial rather than working in a betting shop, trying to look as innocent as possible, smiling at every person that walks through the door, hoping that their not the mystery shopper and having half minute conversations with strangers that couldn't really give a toss who you were or what your life was like. When they lose they hate you and think it's your fault, but when they win, you're all that matters because you have to pay them out.

I'm giving in my 4-week notice next week, I don't have another job lined up, but it feels like the best thing to do. I need a change of environment and plus in terms of my personal development, that is not the best environment for me to be in. So if anyone has a job opening or maybe a flat to rent feel free to let me know. I may not have much money, but I'll try to make up for it by being great company.

In the meantime, I think I'll start slow on my weight loss regime, I'll have to start eating healthier, only if I knew how to.

Weight Regime and all other Babbel

2007-06-05T01:49:00.000-07:00

If peter pan were king, I should be his hopeless little fairy Tinkerbelle, following him around and granting him as many wishes possible while being in love with Wendy; yes Wendy! Such is the way my life goes and maybe will forever go. I help and fail to be helped along the way, whatever happened to bloody Karma, do good and it flaming comes back to you? Isn't that the way the world runs? Isn't that the way we're lead to believe the world runs? But sod it, it isn’t the way the bloody world runs, I say do whatever is good for you and let the other losers deal with things themselves! Very 'Thatcherite'? I know!

However, I've come to realise that in the society we live in, we're not to keen to help others and go out of our way but we expect everyone else to do the same for us. Well HELLO! If we all expect everyone else to help us, who's going to help anybody…I say give each man a helping hand and it should be returned. I mean the cavemen had things the right way, shame they got extinct. Live in the wilderness no need for money or a job, eat, drink, and go hunting when you come back, club your missus over the head with a bat, and drag her into the room for nice loving! Yes they had an easy life, and now we run around like flaming lunatics scared the next knock on our doors will be from the not-so friendly debt collector who's got the wrong address and refuses to believe that your name really isn't Mr & Mrs Rice-Poppies. If only we could go back to the days when it trade-by-barter, you have something I want, I have something you want, so we trade. No lawyers have to get involved, I want the house, you want the car, a nice clean divorce, and you can have the kids during the summer while I go on holiday with my nice young girlfriend. Where have those days gone? And this is the way my day has been, and also the story of my life, and so today I decided to change my life, change the way I look at life. Starting by the way I eat! I'll start to eat breakfast, so next time I look in the mirror I won't he half-disgusted and half amazed at why my skinny young girl-friend still wants me when I'll probably squeeze the life out of her with my 15 stone body, and hopefully it'll stop my nagging mother who only wants me to lose weight because she believes that it'll get me a decent job, with a decent husband and 2.4 kids; which reminds me, I should really tell her I'm gay. I will, when the time is right, but right now concentrate on the weight thing, tomorrow morning, the weight thing. Promise!

2007-03-23T16:15:00.000-07:00

I guess i haven't really got a clue what it is that's wrong, but so far things don't seem right. I think it may be the fact that i haven't really been around, as bad as that may sound, i haven't really experienced life, and sometimes i feel like i'm missing out on something, because i see other people and i wonder, what would it be like. And if you're in love, you shouldn't do that now would you. It's something that shouldn't come up, but by me thinking it, does that mean that it does. And now i'm questiong whether or not i'm really in love, after all i did to sort of hold things together. I honestly don't know what to think, it's as if i need time away to sort of like think things through and try to understand everything. When i'm not there with her i feel it's wrong, but when i am everything seems so right, and it so confusing because i don't know what to think.

Sat 3rd March 2007

2007-03-03T14:54:00.000-08:00

there was an eclispse tonight, almost missed it, a good mate of mine, text me just because he thought that i would have liked to have seen it. Well he was right, it was beautiful, gorgeous. Glad i didn't miss it, the moon looked so bright. It's kinda weird, cuz it ties in with the days events, my brother tried to have a holy intervnetion with me today. I don't blame him to be honest with you, i mean if you saw someone you cared about straying from the path of going to Church you would do something. But i can't explain to him my reasons, I have God in my heart, I believe in him. But there are so many contradictions, from the people that i see in Church to the Bible, and life itself. If life was written out for you in black and white, then there would be no need to actually live it, there would be no need to make choices and to have that exicting feeling of unexpectancy, of not knowing what's going to happen. I think that's what life is, making your own choices and having to live with it. I see too many people pick and choose what suits them from the Bible, and then be the first to judge everyone else, as if they have done nothing wrong. No one on this earth has the right to condemn another human being for a sin committed, unless it's somehting drastic like killing, but if it's something minor then i don't think thay do; Let he without sin cast the first stone. One of the most controversial topics today is homosexuality, but it's as if people are just realising that it exists, it's been around for thousands of years, i mean they talk about it in the Bible, but people forget this. And people also forget that the Bible was written after Jesus died, and that some of the things said cannot be proven of disproven that he said it or did it. Because according to the Bible, as a punishment, God made it so that people would be Gay, now i don't think that God would make what is seen as a sin of pleasure (and also pain) into a punishment, so for that makes no sense. Also I honeslty do not think, that people would want to subject themselves to a life of hatred and discrimination in the name of lust or pleasure, it makes no sense. So for me, it's genetics, and until we realise that all we're doing today in the world is causing more grief then we are never going to move forward. All religious groups believe that their God is the true God for a reason; because some kind of miracle has happpened. If all these groups have this one belief, who's God is real? I think there's one God, and he doesn't really seem bothered how you worship him, but we have to realise that first of all. Good or bad is instilled in our hearts and minds, the forbidden fruit has been eaten, but religion still blinds us into doing bad thinking it's good. Forget religion focus on faith and God, it you believe in him, then worship him in your own way, but don't use it as an excuse to stigmatise other people. The line between hating the sin and the sinner becomes blurred into hating the sinner and therefore not doing the one thing that Jesus asked all his disciples to do. "By this all men shall know, that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another" John 13:35

Another Day

2007-02-13T12:41:00.000-08:00

STRESS STRESS STRESS. i could fill the whole page with it. That's what it's like right now, not just for me i'm sure, but for numerous other people out there who have to put up with the ridiculous amount of workload that university students have to put up with. I think teeachers do it on purpose, give you so much work and then sort of expect you to come out on top of every class and still be mentally sane......I think not. If it where so, the entire world would be full of geniuses, and we wouldn't have to keep sending all the smart ones away to some space project instead, just so we don't feel dumb. Well that's just my opinion....oh yeah by the way, i watched the l word last nite and i must say.....yes....they are mellowing down from season 1. season was like having a bunch of rabbits on heat always looking to mate. season two, some of the rabbits had their bits chopped off and now season three, and the rabbits have had their bits chopped off and their appettites gone. O well.....at least they can act....lol.

untitled.

2006-10-30T14:31:00.000-08:00

for a long time i slept
for a long time i wept
All the dreams i have dreamt
Trying to hide them

for a long time i kept
My lonely guilt
My hiding shame
with my dying fame

for a long time i felt
my immortality
slowly fading away
slowly digging my grave

Conversations with God

2006-10-30T12:53:00.000-08:00

So i started reading this book called conversations with God, bout the author who one day started having this uncommon dialogue with God, whilst trying to come to terms with his own inadequencies. Firstly before i read the book, i thought it was his own imagination, but now that i'm reading the book certain things begin to make sense to me, the way the bible never made sense or any other religion. Now the book does have close ties with [i think] christianity in the sense that the things it says are majority of the teachings of christianity, but at the same time it goes against some of the most important christian teachings. For example, 'sex is fun' but at the same time 'sacred', so it us up to us to keep it both. it is sacred when shared with someone you love. Also in the book, it says that we are all part of God, we use to be spirits from him until he put us on earth, but we do not remember this past life, unless we choose to, and that means choosing to experience Who We Are. according to the book, we are on earth to experience life, so that God can experience life as we are all part of him. because we came from him, that is Who We Are, but by finding the highest glory through experiencing life we are more or less doing his work The book is interesting, it answers questions that could not be answered. But i must confess...i am still on the fence about it. Somethings do seem far fetched and to be honest i am human, so i will doubt. like the book says, humans are controlled by two emotions fear and love and right now reading the book. the fear is making me doubt. but it does say that there is no devil that we created it in order to justify the existence of God...that is to create and opposite.